kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Thursday, May 04, 2006

It's sad that I've realized my fate. I've given in too much in the past, & I'll keep giving in, even when I really don't want to. Why is this? Because I like to feel needed. And right now, I feel like he needs me. Even though when I've finally given him what he really wants, I'm afraid that he'll be through with me. But another part of me feels like he won't do that to me, that he'll still need me, & that he'll still talk to me. I have a 50/50 chance, but I hope the latter is prevalent. And it's stupid, because he's a walking contradiction. He can be the sweetest, cutest guy, & then make me feel like shit. He's sweet most of the time, though. & I know he appreciates what I do for him, otherwise he would have stopped talking to me a while ago. & he is very attracted to me, which also causes a problem, because when I know a guy is attracted to me, I have this obssession with doing whatever it takes to keep him, which is what happened with my last b/f, although I finally got smart & ended it, because I knew what I was doing was wrong. The same is true of the situation I'm currently in. But it's worse now, because I'm not even dating him. We're technically still just friends. & I really hate being in the position I am, but I'm too afraid to change it. I'm too afraid to stop it, to stand up for myself. Instead I keep playing games, knowing that in the end, I will give him what he wants. And I really hate knowing it. But I guess it's just a part of who I am...a scared, very insecure little girl who will do almost anything to keep a guy's attention, even when I shouldn't, because it should be my mind that keeps them around, not my body. So far, there's only been one guy who has respected my mind before my body. but I know consider him one of my best friends, and I don't think anything will ever happen between us. anyway..I guess I've ranted long enough. oh, and Kim....I'll fill you in on how this whole rant got started next time I see you.

Signed in Blood at
9:38 PM

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Comments:

Lalie dear, you make your own fate :)
We all like to feel needed, but remember that you should always put yourself first. Guys and friends will come and go, but you will always have yourself. You are such an awesome person and an awesome friend. You're nice, kind, you listen to me and talk to me when I need help/advice or just someone to talk to. You're hilarious, completly random, and down right insane! If you think someone just wants something from you and once they get it they'll leave, then are they really worth it? You'll find someone better down the road. It may not be for a few weeks and it may not be for a few months or years. I got lucky, it took only 1 month before I got someone new to need me, but usually it takes a while. Remember you're worth more than any loser who just wants to use you. 50/50 chance shouldn't be good enough for someone as awesome as you :-P Accept only 100% certainty!

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