kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Monday, August 14, 2006

First thing on my mind is that I’m not satisfied at all with my current situation. The situation being the fact that my mom wants me to do something that I used to want to do, but I’m not so sure about anymore. She still has it in her mind that I’m gonna be this amazing film writer/director, and that I’m gonna get an internship at some big studio, & go on to become the first woman director to truly break out in the industry. And yes, I’ll admit, this used to be my dream. I used to think about winning an Oscar for some movie I had directed or written. I wanted the "hollywood" lifestyle & all the fame and fortune with it. And while the idea of being wealthy will always be appealing to me, I’ve come to the realization that maybe being a director just isn’t for me. Now, don’t get me wrong…I had a lot of fun in my production class last semester, & had even more fun making the stupidest movie ever, lol. But the most fun I had was when my group members decided to let me pick out the music for our movie. It was so easy for me. I wasn’t even watching the movie while I was choosing the music, yet I somehow knew that everything I had chosen would fit perfectly. All my group members agreed. And when they allowed me to basically take control of editing the audio..I was in heaven. I mean, mixing the sound was just something I understood very easily, and something I was very good at. That got me to thinking. Then, my mom and I went to see NMSO perform Verdi’s Requiem. It was so powerful, and so moving, it was like the music was moving straight through me. It was amazing. That got me to thinking too. Last year was the first year since I was 3 years old, that I hadn’t been in some sort of music performance or recital. And I realized how much I missed it. I missed being around nothing but musicians…people that understand me, and that I understand. Musicians are completely different. And I don’t mean just singers (no offense to my choir peeps!!). I mean MUSICIANS. People who play at least one instrument. Who understand how beautiful and moving orchestral or choral works can be. Who don’t fall asleep at the mention of opera. Who listen to more than just one type of music. Who loves and appreciates all forms of music, from jazz to rock to oldies to country to tap. Everything. I missed those people. I missed being in rehearsals all day, & practicing so much that my wrists & fingers hurt. I had let go of something I loved. These feelings were working inside me for a little while. I was so afraid of disappointing my parents. But then I finally decided to tell them that I had decided to change my major to music. And they both seemed to be happy. But now…there’s something else I’m afraid to tell them. Lately, I’ve realized how much I enjoy musical theatre & movie soundtracks. When I went to see Superman Returns again with my mom, I found myself closing my eyes and just listening to the music (John Ottman wrote some of the best brass lines I’ve ever heard), picking out the strings, brass, woodwinds & percussion…and enjoying that more than the movie. And then I think about how much I loved performing in the orchestra pit in Beauty & the Beast in high school (yes I know it’s been over a year..but it really meant a lot to me). It was truly the highest point of my high school career. And then I thought of something that I think I would be perfectly content to do the rest of my life: play piano on orchestra pits for musical theatre. And of course, the best place to break into that is of course NY. And I’m afraid to tell my parents this. My mom wants me to be so much more…and yet, I know that I would so happy to just perform the rest of my life. I miss it so much. I can’t do without it.

On the NY note, my mom also doesn’t want me living there at all, just because she’s heard from others that it’s a bad place. But I’ve wanted to go there since I was a young child. I still haven’t been there though, but I have to get there one day. And while I do love the South, I fell in love with Virginia & D.C. when I went there for my choir trip senior year. It was so beautiful. Even more beautiful than the mountains out here in NM…lol, it’s true, and for one reason; there was color everywhere! The cherry blossoms were in bloom, which made it even more beautiful. Baltimore was just as beautiful. It was captivating. And while my wish is to travel before I settle down, with maybe even living in europe for a year or two, I know that I have to live somewhere like Virginia. Even though NM is a beautiful place..it’s too brown for me. I miss grass everywhere, & I miss being near water. I miss rain. I wouldn’t mind having a ranch with wild horses running free here in NM, but I’d have to have a house somewhere else too. Somewhere in New England or Virginia most likely…lol…probably Virginia considering it’s still the South…I dunno how well I’d get along with all those damn yankees, but I’d be worth it to try considering how much I love it up there.

And it’s strange, because my mom wants me to continue on to get a graduate degree. And I’ve already told her, I want to get it in either Virginia, Boston, or in NY. And she’s fine with that. Maybe because she doesn’t realize that I would stay up there…she probably thinks I would move back down here. But NM was always her dream life…not mine. Yes, I love UNM, & I love all the people I’ve met down here. I do really fit in. But I don’t want to completely live here the rest of my life. It’s way too laid back…I mean, for instance. I’m used to going to see the Houston Symphony Orchestra or to a musical like Phantom of the Opera & getting all dressed up. I mean..guys in full suits (if it’s opening night, then some even wore tuxes)…ladies in after 5 dresses…that whole thing. Then coming down here…and going to see NMSO, where everyone is in jeans. I was taught never EVER go to a professional performance of that nature in jeans. I just can’t do it. I have to go dressed…it’s just what I’ve been raised to do. And I miss the grand theatres Houston had…like Brown. It was at least twice the size of Popejoy. And just getting in the music hall was a thrill because of the grand staircase, which every major hall in Houston has. While I don’t want to ever live in Houston again, I want to live nearby a city that has the same qualities.

Honestly, all I want in my life is to be happy. I want to have a successful career doing what I love. It doesn’t matter how much money I’m making either. I want to be with someone who understands that too, that there’s more important things in life than money. I need to be happy. Whatever I do with my life…I know that I have to be happy. I’ve been unhappy for so long because I’ve been afraid. Afraid to move on, to start over, to take chances. But I’m not afraid anymore. I have to live the life I want to live, not the life my parents want me to live. Because when I was doing what they wanted me to do, I wasn’t happy, because I wasn’t myself. And now that I’ve started to do what I want to do…I am happy. & it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

Signed in Blood at
6:25 PM